How to Hit a Plane with a Wheelchair

I visited Las Vegas with my best friend, Teri, back in the 80s. This was before Vegas had remodeled for the American’s with Disabilities Act. We had prime seats at every show we saw, and we just “had” to go through the cast entrance, since the other entrances were inaccessible. Inevitably we were invited to their cast parties afterwards!

Putting on our best girlish giggles, we flirted with a busboy, who gave us a personal tour of Las Vegas after work.

Our charm even had cab drivers returning to pick us up from events, and not charging us a fee.

But we weren’t able to WOW the walkway at Caesar Palace… They even have a sign reading “No Wheelchairs” there now. I’m a double amputee, and I was walking on artificial legs. I thought it would be fun to push Teri’s wheelchair up the walkway, and take in Las Vegas from the top. As I was pushing her up the walkway, which is very steep, I felt like Fred Flintstone. My feet were moving quite fast, but we gain a foot or two, then slide back down a foot. We finally managed to reach the top though. I was so exhausted, but proud of myself! Then we discovered it was a one-way walkway. The only way down? An escalator.

Now, I’m brave. But not stupid. I don’t take wheelchairs down an escalator. Especially if I have two artificial legs! So we looked around and discovered a janitor’s elevator. It was full of mops, brooms, and pails. I quickly squeezed us in and hit the only button available, “Lobby.” And that’s where we landed. Along with a pile of mobs, brooms, and pails. I tried to be as nonchalant as possible, saying to the people crowded around the elevator, “we’re just cleaning up the place,” and quickly got lost in the crowd!

But our pièce de résistance was our departure. We were running late to the airport. We found a very nice gentleman to race us to the gate. By the time we got there and turned to thank him, he had disappeared. I so dearly hope he made it to his own flight! We didn’t make it to our gate before it closed though. The stewardess at the gate told me to “Hurry! Just take her down the gate ramp.” I wasn’t sure this was a good call, but I thought, “Hey, I can do this. I pushed her UP a crazy ramp! Why not down one too?” And they looked awfully busy.

So, I started pushing. Um, pulling really. The chair needed no help going down. It needed assistance STOPPING!

Artificial legs weren’t built like they are now. Now they have computer chips, and such. Mine had a hydraulic system that returned the whatever power you put into it. Whether it was intentional or not. So, as Teri’s wheelchair pulled me faster, my legs thought they should go faster. But the rest of my body couldn’t keep up.

You have to picture this: Our carry-on consisted of two purses, two dress bags, two overnight bags, and two hat boxes. All of which Teri was carrying on her lap. Mind you, she can’t see a thing over this pile.

I yell to Teri, “Take it!” and down I go! Teri, not knowing what’s going on — remember, she can’t see — just continues down the ramp, holding on to the bundle. At the bottom, our lovely stewardess, with her Colgate smile, is ready to greet us at the bottom. Seeing that Teri is coming at her at high velocity, suddenly her smile starts to slip. And then… Teri HITS the side of the airplane door full force!

I’m laying on the ramp. Not sure if I should laugh or cry. She just hit the airplane! She’s not hurt and she stayed in her wheelchair. The clothes bags cushioned her collision I see.

Nobody asks if I’m okay! But they do ask why I let her go! Well, let’s see… “I couldn’t keep up with her!”

They asked us ride in First Class and gave us warm wet clothes (never figured out what these wet clothes were for). Such a fine ending to a very fine vacation! And definitely, too much of a good thing was wonderful!